Long gone are the days when a guy could simply pick up the telephone to ask a girl out on a date. The dating game has drastically changed over the last 10 years with the growth and sophistication of the Internet. There are now unlimited options for dating and numerous tools to gain access to one’s potential beshert or soul mate. Facebook gives you a sneak peak of the person in consideration, texting, provides a quick and non-obtrusive way to flirt and kick start the conversation and there are also a multitude of online dating sites to peruse. Sounds like fun, but the question still remains: is all this technology that permeates our lives, a blessing or a curse?
There’s no doubt that it’s easier to meet people these days. Texting, rather than having a face to face conversation, is a more comfortable and less stressful way to communicate, giving the sender and recipient of the message more time to consider what they’re about to say in their reply. Even if you’re not the coolest dude on the planet, no one will ever know, until that is, you actually meet face to face, which is really the point of dating, isn’t it?
Michael Weisbrot, 23, a graduate student at University of Toronto, knows that although texting is the norm now he prefers having face-to-face conversations. “There’s more of a flow when you’re talking to someone in person. Texting is a more lengthy process and it is harder to get to know the person”.
Shlomo Buzaglo, Director of Programs and Trips for JUMP (Jewish Urban Meeting Place) in Toronto recognizes the significant impact that social media plays in the world of dating for Millennials(those born from the mid 70’s to early 2000’s), but there are also downsides.
“We are a generation about instant gratification- a lot of the times I feel this generation is non committal. There’s always something new and something better out there and people try to hold back a little.”
Buzaglo believes that this “sitting on the fence” attitude is fine when you’re just playing the field, but young people are having real trouble reading the cues when a relationship goes from fun to serious.
“Chatting over JDate, BBM or Facebook is no replacement for real face to face time ”, Buzaglo asserts. JUMP is confident their programs will help inspire young Jewish adults to connect with one another and the community. In fact, five couples who met through JUMP last year got hitched.
HITCH- the name of a program jointly run by UJA’s Community Connect and JUMP-is an ambitious initiative that specifically addresses the business of dating and finding a mate. Shira Webber, one of the driving forces behind HITCH, is also the Networking Initiatives Manager for UJA’s Community Connect. She firmly believes that help is needed because of the overwhelming options out there.
“Technology has changed the concept of relationships. Although the gizmos and gadgets have become essential in our daily lives, we’ve lost the whole ability to woo one another, and this takes away from the mysterious part of a relationship. Texting for weeks on end before anyone picks up the phone is not a romantic way to start a relationship.”
Webber acknowledges that online dating is at the forefront of today’s dating scene giving greater access to a larger pool of people, but cautions that it’s hard to determine if someone is really as great as they seem on line. There’s also a problem with trust and exclusivity in the current dating scene.
“When you meet someone on line, how do you know they aren’t dating 15 other people at the same time? There’s also a risk factor out there because of the amount of people that you have access to meeting virtually, and it has made people more cautious about giving out their personal information. BBM is okay, but a telephone number is not, Webber said.
Professional matchmaker Alison Green
said young people are finding it harder to develop meaningful relationships because they’re not used to face-to-face communication.
One recent HITCH event, “No BS Dating in the 21st Century” featured modern day professional matchmaker for over 12 years, Toronto based, Alison Green, who gave some very practical advice to 65 women on dating in the 21st century.
“Your Beshert will not just fall on your lap. Practice talking over texting and show up on your date with enthusiasm and optimism. It’s social networking too…your date may not be a match for you, but someone they know may be!” Although this event was for “women only”, there are plans to host co-ed events in the future.
Green further explains, “ Without realizing it, Millennials are looking for perfection and instant gratification – two things that are antithetical to a healthy and vibrant relationship. A significant issue today undermining efforts to find a meaningful relationship is a lack of ease to communicate face-to-face. Millennials find dating awkward and end up frustrated, starting over at square one again and again. ”
Green launched a Millennial Match division as part of her consulting services in response to the serious difficulties she saw Millennials were experiencing in their search for a soul mate.
Knowing the impact of technology on the dating scene will most likely not be visible for at least 10 years, Karen Feldman Haber MSW confirms. “For the shy person, technology allows for anonymity which makes dating less daunting, for others, it can be frustrating and possibly anxiety provoking. However with every generation there are new challenges and new ways of approaching the dating scene and relationships. This generation benefits from limitless possibilities.”
> This article by Rena Godfrey appeared in the Canadian Jewish News, June 2011. Read more of Rena’s articles here.